The Pain He Deserves
by wordsaredeadly
Summary: Gray has been struggling with Ur's death, and seeing Lyon doesn't help either. He keeps his pain from everyone, even his best friend Lucy. What happens when she notices somethings off?
**WARNING: THERE IS SELF HARM IN THIS FANFICTION.**

 **I don't own Fairy Tail.**

I was on my way home from the guild hall late one night after Natsu, Lucy, Erza and I had come home from a job, when I heard a high pitched mewl come from a dark alleyway across the street.

I glanced around to see if anyone was nearby and saw that the street around me was void of life. Another loud mewl brought my attention back to the alley. I decided to investigate and made my way over to the alley to locate the source of the sound.

A third mewl drew my gaze to a soggy looking cardboard box next to a row of trashcans. I peered into the box to find a small, orange kitten shivering from the cold.

Even though I wasn't cold, being an ice mage and all, it was getting to be late fall, which meant the nights were getting colder. I took another look at the kitten and picked it up before I changed my mind, tucking the small creature into my coat.

"I'm going to take you to Lucy's okay little guy?" I mumbled to the kitten as I adjusted my coat and turned in the direction of my best friend's apartment.

I made my way down the deserted streets and along the canal until I arrived at Lucy's door inside her apartment complex.

Instead of walking in as I normally would, I knocked softly, knowing that Natsu was probably over, not wanting to walk in on anything.

The door opened to reveal a slightly flustered looking Lucy,

accompanied by an equally flustered Natsu.

 _Good thing I knocked_ I thought.

"Gray! Come in!" Lucy greeted as she invited me in, followed by a mumbled greeting from Natsu.

"What's up? I thought you were going to go home?" Lucy asked.

"I was on my way home, when I found this little guy in an alley all alone." I explained as I produced the now sleeping kitten from underneath my coat.

"Oh isn't he sweet!" Lucy crooned as she took the small sleeping form from my hands. "Where did you come from huh?" she said to the kitten that had begun to stir from the change of hands.

"Geez ice princess, you couldn't have taken it home with you?" Natsu said rather begrudgingly.

"Now, Natsu. You know Gray's place is going to be just as cold as outside." Scolded Lucy.

"Yeah, yeah." He grumbled stalking off to the kitchen, probably to raid the fridge.

"I'm sorry about Natsu, he's just a little grumpy cause he's tired." Lucy apologized glancing up at me. She knew that wasn't the reason I couldn't take the small creature home. "I'm here for you, you know that right? We're best friends for a reason." She sent me another knowing glance.

I gave a small smile and reached out to stroke the kitten in her arms.

"Thanks Luce." I said looking into her eyes, letting her know I meant it. "I'm going to head out. I'll stop by in the morning."

"Good night Gray." Lucy whispered as she pulled me into a hug, being careful not to crush the orange ball of fur between us.

"Night Lucy." I whispered back before pulling away. "See ya flame idiot!" I called over my shoulder as I made my way out of the apartment.

I shoved my hands into my pocket as I strolled back down the deserted street. The moon was high in the sky, seeing as it was almost midnight. It lit my path as I made my way to my house.

It was more of a cabin really. It stood in the middle of a ring of trees, with a short path leading up to the door. The ground where the grass would have been was bare, due to my lack of gardening skills, as well as my always being away on jobs and not having the time. The path leading up to the door was really just a worn spot in the dirt from my constant coming and going.

The house itself was small, only having a kitchen, joined to a living room, with two bedrooms. The kitchen consisted of a stove, a fridge, and wooden table in the middle. The living room was just as plain, with only an old, ratty couch and a worn coffee table across from a fireplace that I only lit when Lucy came over.

My bedroom was as lackluster as the rest of the interior, containing only my bed.

It was the second room that held all my secrets.

The room was locked, unless I was in it. This second room was reserved for my personal torment.

I may come across as a laid-back person (unless I'm arguing with Natsu) who's got it all under control, but a great deal of my scars didn't come from battle.

Ever since Ur died, I hadn't been the same. I was always stuck in my thoughts, _What if I had done this? What if I had done that?_ , a constant stream of what if's. One of the reasons I picked fights with Natsu so often was to keep my mind pre-occupied.

It had started to get better when I met Lucy. She was always so happy and cheerful around me, and even when she was yelling at Natsu or Happy, she always managed to make me smile. It was her friendship that started to bring me back to the real world, instead of living in my thoughts.

Then Lyon showed up.

Lyon was someone I used to consider my family. He had trained under Ur with me, also learning Ice Make magic. But I stopped thinking of him so fondly when he destroyed Ur's final act to save us both.

Our master had turned herself into a magical ice to encase the Zeref demon, Deliora. Deliora was the one who had destroyed my home, my family and I wanted to destroy him in turn. Only I hadn't been strong enough.

I had been foolish to think that I could have taken on such a monster with so little experience, so little power. Which led to Ur saving my life, and Lyon's as he had come with her.

Lyon had been obsessed with becoming better than Ur. All he wanted out of life was to surpass her, and when she gave her life for us, he was no longer able to prove that he was stronger. So he melted the magical ice that was once our master, in order to defeat Deliora as a consolation prize of sorts, as it was the one thing she was never able to do.

When he melted that ice, in my eyes, he killed whatever was left of her, and that sent me back over the edge.

No one knows what's really behind the second door, not even Lucy. She asked once and I was tempted to open and show her, but I decided against it, knowing she would stop me. Not that stopping would be bad for my health; I just felt I deserved the pain.

Lucy knew something was wrong, even though I refused to tell her. She noticed when I retracted into my thoughts, or when I showed up late at the guild hall. And she constantly asked if I'm okay, assuring me that she's willing to listen to whatever I have to say.

I blinked and jumped in surprise when I found myself standing at my front door, having been lost in thought on the walk home.

I opened the door and made my way inside, shrugging my coat off onto the couch. I thought of eating something, but wasn't really hungry. All I wanted was the pain that was to come.

I tossed my shirt onto the couch beside my coat. I went to my room, lifted up the mattress, and grabbed the key. It was mechanical, one mindless action after the other. The key was in the lock. The door swung open.

I pulled the key out of the knob and walked into the moonlit room, pulling the door behind me.

Rows and rows of sharp, silver knives met me, all hung neatly on the left wall of the room. On the right side there was a desk, which had a whetstone in the center. On a shelf about the wall there were several varieties of lighters, accompanied by various metal trinkets.

In the middle of the room there was a single barstool.

I walked over to the knives and selected a small, narrow blade. It had been too long since I had felt the pain I deserved.

The job my team and I had just returned from had been several weeks long, and since I didn't want anyone to know, I didn't torture myself when I was with the others.

I tested the sharpness of the blade with my thumb as I sat down on the stool. Satisfied, I pressed the blade flat against my cheek, feeling the cool steel against my bare flesh before the pain began.

I watched the blade run over my pale arm, feeling the white hot pain, followed by a thin stream of blood. Two more times, the knife ran across my arm. White hot pain.

I was never careless when I did these things, for I didn't want to die. No, dying would be the coward's way out. Pain was the only way.

The cuts were never too deep, they always healed quickly. It was the burns that took longer to heal, due to my sensitivity to heat. But tonight there would be no burns. The three bloody lines on my right arm were enough tonight, but next time they might not be.

I carefully cleaned the knife of my blood and placed it back on the wall, my arm still freely bleeding.

I picked up the key from its resting place on the desk and walked out of the room, locking the door behind me. I returned the key to its place under the mattress. Again, my movements were mechanical.

I was careful not to get blood on anything as I made my way to the bathroom, where the ending of my torture awaited.

I opened the medicine cabinet and reached for the bottle of peroxide and bandages I kept for such occasions. I grabbed a few cotton balls and doused them with the clear liquid.

Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, I pressed a soaking cotton ball to the first cut on my arm, biting my tongue to keep from crying out.

My arm burned as I cleaned the cuts. _The pain I deserve._ I thought bitterly.

Once the blood had stopped flowing, I wrapped my arm snugly in bandages.

I put everything back where it had come from, threw the bloody cotton away, and decided that now I could eat something.

After a quick meal, I made my way to the bedroom, collapsing with exhaustion as soon as I hit the bed.

When I woke up the sun was high in the sky. I got dressed, not bothering with breakfast, and grabbed my discarded coat off the couch, before making my way to Lucy's to check in on the little orange kitten from last night.

I arrived at Lucy's apartment and walked right in, knowing that with it being past noon that everyone would be decent.

Lucy was on the couch playing with the kitten, with Natsu or Happy nowhere to be seen.

"Hey Lucy." I greeted in my usual tone. "How's the little scrap of fur doing?"

"Oh, hi Gray! He's doing quite well considering the state you found him in last night." She said as she got up from the couch to give me a hug. "How did your night go last night?" She asked, softer this time, a look of concern plastered across her face.

"It was a night." I replied shrugging it off. She looked at me and gave me her _I know you're lying Gray Fullbuster_ look, but didn't press any further.

"Do you want to stay for tea?" She asked handing me the small cat.

"Sure." I said, taking the orange fluff ball from her.

We continued to talk late into the evening about anything and everything. Except last night.

She would hint occasionally that I should share, but I pretended not to notice. It wasn't until Natsu walked in and announced that it was 9 o'clock pm and that I should get my " icy ass moving" that I finally left Lucy's.

I decided that, since I hadn't had anything but tea all day, that I would go to the guild hall and grab some food before heading home.

When I arrived, the hall was as noisy as ever, seeing as it was a Friday night. Even from the street I could hear Cana's drunken shouts, challenging everyone in earshot to a drink-off.

It wasn't until I opened the door that I wished I would have gone home instead.

All the guilds across Fiore had decided that to build comradery amongst themselves, the first Friday of every month one of the guilds invite all the others to their hall and have a party.

Since I had been away on my mission, I had forgotten that it was Fairy Tail's turn to host.

I opened the guild doors to face a completely smashed Makarov, who immediately dragged me into the mess of people while insisting that "All my children must have fun!"

I groaned as a slightly tipsy Juvia saw me and threw herself at me.

"Gray-sama! It's been so long since we last saw each other!" She exclaimed between giggles as she draped her arms around my neck, running her fingers through my hair.

"I-um,uh-"

"Juvia! Why don't you go find some flowers to put in your hair to make yourself pretty for Gray, hmm?"

My stammering was quickly cut off by Mirajane, who called at us from the bar.

" An excellent idea!" Squealed Juvia as she ran off to find said flowers.

"Thank you" I mouthed back at Mira, who only winked in response before going back to tending the busy bar.

"Gray!" Shouted an all too familiar voice. I froze where I stood.

It was Lyon.

"What do you think you're doing? Stealing my girl?" He accused as he got within reaching distance.

"Your girl?" I spat back at him, fighting the flashes of memories going through my head. "And who might the unlucky girl be this time?"

"Why, Juvia, my beloved of course!" He replied hotly.

I couldn't form a proper response. All the memories. It was too much, seeing his face, hearing his voice.

And then he laughed at me.

"Cat got your tongue?" He teased, a smirk on his mouth.

"Shut up! Shut up! You have no idea!" I shouted before pushing my way back through the crowd towards the door, not looking back.

A ran the whole way back to my house, bumping into the odd person.

My mind raced, as flashes of Ur passed through my jumbled thoughts. Flashes of Lyon.

I slammed the door behind me and ran to my room and shoved the mattress aside, fingers frantic for the key hidden beneath.

I rammed the key into the knob and nearly forced the lock open.

I threw my coat and shirt on the floor, not caring where they landed. I needed the pain I deserved. Now.

I picked up the same knife from the night before and used it to cut the bandage away from my arm.

This time, I didn't care how deep the blade bit into my pale flesh. I ran it along my right arm a half dozen times before I switched hands and ran the cold steel against my other arm.

Normally I would force myself quiet, but this time I let my cries ring out. As my arms were now sticky and red, I ran the blade along my bare chest and stomach, though taking enough care amidst my anguish to not gut myself.

"Gray!" Screamed a familiar female voice. "What are you doing? Stop!" The voice cried before throwing herself at me knocking the bloody knife from my hand before I even registered someone had called my name.

I felt a pair of small arms pull me into a rough hug.

"Lucy?" I whispered, still in shock. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

"Mira called saying you were at the guild hall and yelled at Lyon before you ran out. I wanted to make sure you were okay. Obviously you're not." She said pulling away, now covered in my blood.

I took one look at her, a look down at myself, and started sobbing.

She took me out of the room and laid me on the couch. Then she ran to the bathroom and grabbed the bandages.

"Why didn't you tell me Gray? Why?" She whispered as she wrapped all my cuts in attempt to staunch the bleeding.

By this point I was no longer sobbing, only silent tears streamed down my face.

"I deserve the pain. It's my fault she's gone. I have to pay." I mumbled barely loud enough for her to hear.

"Oh, Gray," she murmured as she pulled my into a gentle hug, stroking my hair. She knew I blamed myself for Ur's death. "It's not your fault. She did it because she loved you."

This brought a new onslaught of silent tears. We sat on the now bloodied couch for a while before she mumbled in my ear.

"I love you Gray. You're like the brother I never had and it hurts me to see you hurt. Please, stop. I know you blame yourself. I know you hate Lyon. I know you think you deserve this pain." She pulled away, "But listen here Gray Fullbuster. I will not let you go through this pain alone. I'm here for you, whatever you need. I will not let you suffer silently anymore."

She wiped the remaining tears off my face, as I took in the full sight of her.

Although most of it had dried a reddish-brown colour, she was covered in my blood from when she knocked the knife from my hand and violently hugged me.

Her white shirt was now red, her neck and face, and even some of her hair, was covered in blood.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." I choked out, as I pulled her into a hug, stroking her hair. "I love you too."

 **Thanks for sticking to the end! Self harm is a serious topic. If you are thinking of or are hurting your self please seek help! Please review and tell me what you think!**


End file.
